Lou Reed in the Darkness and Light

“Some people like to go out dancing / And other people, (like us) they gotta work / And there’s always some evil mothers / They’ll tell you life is full of dirt / And the women never really faint, and the villains always blink their eyes / And the children are the only ones who blush / ‘Cause life is just to die.” Lou Reed

This week we lost a music icon, at least in my eyes.

Some of you don't know Lou Reed. Some of you have him deep in your soul like I do. He spoke from a darker side of life. But he spoke with a soulful gritty voice, of life and death and love. He spoke of the people we turn our faces from, people we should lend a hand to, not turn a back to. At least that's how I feel.

As we've recently seen with actor Cory Monteith, not all drug users are evil. I can honestly say that without exception, EVERY substance abuser I have known, didn't do it for the selfish pleasure of the feel of the high, they did it to feel more comfortable in their own skin. They take the drug, to erase who they are, because there's something about them that they just can't live with. So every day they try to forget who they are. Those are the people who just can't kick it. Whatever it is, from heroin to alcohol. So those of us who are strong, and can last more than a day with just ourselves. We are blessed, we are lucky and shouldn't look down at someone who hurts just to look at himself in the mirror.

“Oh, it’s such a perfect day / I’m glad I spend it with you / Oh, such a perfect day / You just keep me hanging on … Just a perfect day / You made me forget myself / I thought I was someone else, someone good.” Lou Reed

Some of us make it from the dark into the light. Some of us learn how to live with ourselves. Lou Reed did that, without forgetting where he came from. Without having to bury his past. There are so many of us who are ashamed of that past, because of those looks we can get.

Lou fought for his life. His lack of faith in himself cost him his liver. Someone believed in him and gave him a second chance, but it wasn't meant to be.

Fly Fly Away Lou Reed. Your music will be with us forever. That's your redemption and your legacy. Your music will always be in my soul.

Life on Mar - The Ghosts of Family Past

I've been thinking about my family a lot lately. Mostly the family that has left this mortal coil. I recently lost a cousin to cancer. Fortunately he didn't suffer long. Unfortunately, I didn't get to spend much time with him his last few months.

Thinking about my cousin, and things we did together, reminds me of my other family, the older ones, most of who have already moved past this life on Earth. Today, for instance is either my Grandmother's or my Aunt's birthday. I never remembered which, because one is the 30th and the other is the 31st. So I kind of have to wish them both a Happy Birthday at midnight on the 30th. Works!

I've been thinking about my cousin, and his mother, who have passed. I loved his mother, a very young great aunt, and both of her sons dearly. I will miss him as I miss her. His brother, is my closest and dearest relative, as is his wife. Oh yeah, I guess I love my kids too. But I was thinking of the relatives on the other side of my birth. There are really only a few of those left now.

I've been thinking about my mother and father too. Both are gone now. My favorite uncle and his sister (the one born today or tomorrow) another favorite.

I wonder sometimes if that is why we finally let go. Is it just that there is a certain balance of friends and family that go to the other side and we feel awkward without them here. I know my cousin who passed, was talking about his work reunions, and how there were less and less people, because the all moved on. So many of his friends and family were gone too. I think he liked his reunions. I hope he's having a big wonderful one now.

It's funny how we get so sad when we loose family. If you have faith, most religions have us believe that there is a wonderful glorious reward waiting for us. We should be extremely happy for our loved ones. But we are mostly extremely sad for ourselves. My cousin who just past was pure joy. He was nothing but fun to be around. I'm sure he had bad moments, but I never saw them. He never even expressed suffering while he was obviously weak and dying. I will miss him and all those others too.

I'm not big on the thought of Heaven, Spending eternity with family and friends. I guess I'm not a person who likes to think in terms of anything forever. I'd rather reincarnate as an ant than be in the same place with the same people forever. But that's theology and not the subject of this post.

I only know that the ghosts of family past have been visiting me lately. The good and the bad. And I'm missing my friends and family.

Life on Mars - Forty Year Flashback

I could tell you how my landlord finally got a replacement for the door window that broke 2 years ago, that we taped together so shards wouldn't fall in the house (I did the replacing, at least he bought the plexi).

I could tell you that the accident prone child stepped on a yellow jacket and was screaming for hours until the Diphenhydramine kicked in and he fell asleep. Or that we got it from the neighbor that uses it on her dog instead of killing the fleas.

I could tell you that we had a drought last week, no rain, no sales.

But instead, I want to tell you about something that happened 40 years ago. Well, almost 40 years ago. Some events this week, lead me to remember this, and what I thought was a terrible disaster, might have been part of the bigger plan all along. You see, sometimes you can't know what a horrible event might actually mean in the grander scheme of things.

I was young, I hung out at a local bar, and I drank there. Usually we just drank, but that particular night, unlike the usual nights, some generous person got a supply of barbiturates that he shared with the rest of the kids. I got one and paced myself with the alcohol. Not that I was a good girl by any means, it was just that night I was more cautious. Almost everyone was far more wasted that I had ever seen, and the bar had a "different flavor". More falling, more dancing, more hugging, kissing, secret sharing, whispering.

That night Star was there with her girlfriend, and they both tasted the candy. Star was the lead singer in a local band that I loved so much. She sang like Joplin and was just as crazy. Her friend was very young, a plain dresser, but pretty, and she was always wasted and always sad. I never saw her smile, not once. But Star odored her.

Things got so wild and crazy that night, but near closing time I was starting to get a bit sober. A few of us stayed with the owners after the bar closed, Star and her friend among us. Star was so incredibly wasted, she couldn't possibly drive, but she was getting ready to go. We weren't friends, we barely ever spoke to each other, but I couldn't let her get in a car, or drive that girl. I quietly went by her and took her keys while she was talking with another patron.

She walked around for a long time, looking for her keys, asking everyone if they had seen them. She came to me and I said I hadn't seen them either. I suggested that it might not be a good idea for her to drive in her condition, but she insisted on finding her keys and leaving. I had the keys in my hands, I had the keys in my hands. Then some Damn drunk ass moron, who saw me take the keys, took them out of my hand and gave them back to her. I had the keys in my hands.

A few days later I heard that there was an accident. Star's friend died and Star was in jail. She eventually had a considerable amount of time to serve, for vehicular manslaughter, let alone that she lost someone she loved dearly. I saw her after she was released. She was not the same person, but maybe that was s good thing.

For nearly forty years I blamed myself for letting go of the keys. And this week, I thought, at least I held her off for a time. One girl had died, but if I hadn't done at least that, who knows how many would have died. You see, she would have left at closing time. There would have been more people on the road, but as it was, the roads were pretty empty by the time they finally hit the road.

If I had held more tightly, maybe no lives would have been lost, maybe Star would have continued her self destructive ways, maybe her friend would have become so sad she would have ended her life at her own hands. But I didn't hold tight enough, and a life was lost, but maybe there would have been more losses, if I didn't care and stick my nose where it wasn't wanted.